Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
