im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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