You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Houston, we have a blender
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
