my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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