we have pet lesbian snakes
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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