and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
