dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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