And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I need a burrito and a hug.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
