1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
