Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
