i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
