just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
