Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
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Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
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Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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