I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
a search helicopter?!
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize