On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
