I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
