You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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