I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
