I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
