I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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