never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
