I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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