Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
