I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
