Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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