I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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