I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
