Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
