this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Holy sore nipples Batman
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
