need another drink. this is the easiest way
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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