Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
