Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
