there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
