it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
