consequently i now know what mace tastes like
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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