Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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