I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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