she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
