even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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