There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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