I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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