there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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