everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
