I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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