Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
