Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Randomize
