either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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