two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
