so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
