you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
