Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
