That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
you win again, gameday.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
