this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
