3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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