it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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