I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
