No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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