I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
