apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
