it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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