Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
