He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
