New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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