I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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